Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I just want to ask questions about my husband. We have been together for around 10 years. He is asking me to date and have sex with other guys, especially foreigners. We have tried it already and he is satisfied seeing me being pleasured by other guys. Does he have a psychological problem?

Katya

Dear Katya,

Thank you for your message.

Analysis of sexual behavior has, perhaps inevitably, been intertwined with morality and thus purely scientific and objective conclusions are often difficult to obtain.

Cuckoldry is one such example. The word cuckold is derived from cuckoo, the bird that lays its egg in another bird’s nest, hence a man whose wife has been unfaithful without the consent of her husband. The meaning evolved to include men who encourage their partners to have sex with other men. Another term used is hotwifing, but perhaps the most inclusive is wife-sharing.

This behavior was considered rare, possibly due to the absence of any research, but recent articles and studies indicate that it may be rather less so than previously thought. 

Indeed 2022 saw the first celebration of Cuckweek, which suggests that the old notion of cuckolds being weak and humiliated men unable to satisfy their wives is now only one of several modern definitions.

Dr David Ley, psychologist and author of Insatiable Wives: Women who Stray and the Men who Love Them, suggests that there are many possible motivations behind wife-sharing, including:

• Voyeurism (a progression from watching pornography)

• The thrill of the taboo

• Female empowerment (the wife’s increased independence)

• Female sexual fulfillment (when the wife has a greater sexual capacity)

• Masochism (humiliation of the husband)

• Misogyny (humiliation of the wife)

• Physical health issues (e.g. erectile dysfunction)

and thus there can clearly be both positive and negative motivations for this behavior.

WHO defines the components of sexual health as honesty, safety, no exploitation, shared values, and mutuality. If a couple follow these and decide to wife-share, that can in some circumstances have a positive impact on their relationship.

As for your question – Does he have a psychological problem? – the answer may be clearer to you when you consider exactly what motivates your husband to suggest wife-sharing. You state that you have tried it already and it satisfies him, but you do not reveal your own attitude to wife-sharing. If the two of you have concurred after appropriate self-assessment, communication, accommodation, and negotiation, then there should be no problem. If not, then you both have a problem and need to address it.

All the best, JAFBaer

https://www.rappler.com/life-and-style/relationships/two-pronged-husband-wants-me-sex-other-men-cuckold/