My fellow Singaporeans,

I feel that it is time for someone to step up to the task of becoming the next Chief Executive Officer of SMRT. The recent spate of events has derailed our trust in the company. I believe that this signals a fault that runs deep within the corporation; and is indicative of a need for a better trained individual at its helm.

I sincerely believe that the individual our country needs and deserves is me.

I will not delay you, fellow Singaporean, any further. Let me cut to the chase to why I should be the next CEO of SMRT:

1) I Am Not A Practitioner Of Tai Chi

I have not, and never will, take up Tai Chi. I like my exercise the way I like my trains: quick and efficient. Given my lack of Tai Chi expertise, I will bear the responsibility of all 294 trains (385 by 2020) on my shoulders. I promise to personally piggy back each and every individual that is delayed by us; straight to their destination. They may wear spurs on their footwear to encourage me to move faster. I will wear a saddle with one-size-fit-all stirrups to cater to all sizes of Singaporean feet.

2) Train-On-Train Behaviour

I understand that we live in the 21st century. However, as a conservative Asian society, we cannot bang ourselves head on into an immediate change of mindset. Train-on-train action should NOT be condoned. Trains that engage in such illicit behaviour will be stoned without trial. A train should only be able to enter a tunnel, dock within a depot, but not engage with another train; especially not in the public eye (Section 377A Tranal Code).

3) I am Loco for Loco

I love trains.

I promise to dedicate myself to getting SMRT back on track without delay. I promise to dedicate a solid hour of work every day, which is 60 minutes more than what is currently being dedicated each day.

Let me lead this Nation back to her days of glory 1 problem-free day at a time. I am quick, I am efficient; but most importantly, I am SMRT.

PS: I am also open to becoming the next Minister of Transport. I promise to work thrice as hard as the current Minister. Thus, in the event I am offered the position, I will change my name to Khaw Boon Three.

This post first appeared on Reddit Singapore.